


Crime Deterrent

by Epiphanyx7



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Boys Being Boys, Bruce Banner Is a Good Bro, Commercials, Crack, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Friendship, Gen, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Technology, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-05
Updated: 2013-03-05
Packaged: 2017-12-04 09:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/709137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Epiphanyx7/pseuds/Epiphanyx7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“The Starkphone has the longest battery life of any phone on the market, the most high-quality camera, the most free games, the largest internal memory, the only mobile spectrometer, and is made from the highest percentage of recyclable materials,” Tony says.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Is that an iPhone 7?” Tony asks, looking at the phone in Steve’s hand.

Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, aka Pain In Tony’s Ass, And Not In A Good Way, God Damn It, looked up from his piece of frankly _appalling_ inferior technology. “Yes?” he answers.

Tony looks at him.

Steve looks back.

“You’re going to hell,” Tony tells him.

Steve blinks in confusion, as Tony stands up and stalks out of the room, looking absolutely furious.

“What did I do?” he asks the now empty room.

\--

Maria Hill looks at the phone in Steve’s hand, then at Steve’s face. Then back at the phone.

“Why is he upset?” Steve asks. He’d tried to corner Tony in the mess, in the elevator, in the Tower, and yet he’d been thwarted on all counts. Tony, despite being a civilian and a public figure, is extremely difficult to get ahold of when he doesn’t want to talk to you.

“I’m sorry,” Hill says, patting him consolingly on the arm. “But you’re on your own, Rogers. Nobody in the **world** is going to take your side on this.”

Steve watches her walk away. “But what did I **do?** ” he asks plaintively.

\--

“The Starkphone 10 has over a hundred gigabytes of internal memory storage,” Tony says, apropos of nothing.

They’re sitting in the quinjet, on the way back from robot-bashing training in Northern Canada.

“I don’t need a hundred gigabytes of internal memory storage?” Steve replies, quirking an eyebrow.

Crossing his arms, Tony turns his back on Steve and doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the two hour flight.

\--

“Did you know that Starkphones are made with 78% recycled materials,” Tony says, in the middle of a debriefing on the sociopolitical and economic structure of Asgard.

Thor looks at him. “Yes?” he hazards.

“I knew that,” Natasha agrees.

Bruce frowns, and then adds, “I was the one who pushed you towards using recycled electronics to cut down on mining natural resources."

“Right,” Tony says.

“Does this have anything to do with Asgardian economics?” Steve wonders aloud, looking back and forth between Tony and Thor.

“Perhaps,” Thor muses, peering at his own Starkphone. “The recycling of old items into new and more efficient technologies has been extremely important in Asgardian science. The bifrost, for example, was built on a foundation of millennia-old magicks which were used to harness...”

Tony looks like he’s sulking. Steve isn’t sure, though. He tries to pay attention to Thor’s speech.

\--

“Bruce’s Starkphone has a spectrometer built in,” Tony says.

“I know,” Steve replies. “Bruce uses it all the time. He loves that thing.”

Tony nods. “Your iPhone doesn’t have a spectrometer, does it?”

Steve shrugs. “Tony, I don’t even know what a spectrometer _does_. Why would I need one?”

“Your new uniform makes you look fat,” Tony says.

Steve glances down at himself. “No it doesn’t, Tony,” Steve replies slowly. It’s fine. Maybe it fits a little snug. But it’s _fine._

“Shut up, Steve.” Tony says, glaring. “Just... shut your _whole face_.”

“What?” Steve says, even more confused. That doesn't even make sense.

Tony glares.

\--

“Still using that old thing?” Tony asks, looking down at Steve’s phone.

Steve pauses. He’s been using his phone to type up his mission reports, mostly because the new iPhone has an option to customize the touchscreen keyboard. “Yes?” he says. “I don’t want to have to catch up on SHIELD paperwork, it’s movie night tonight.”

“That’s a dumb looking app,” Tony says.

“It’s not dumb, Tony,” Steve reprimands gently.

“There isn’t even an ampersand on that symbol board,” Tony continues, as if that had anything at all to do with the phone.

“That’s because it’s a customizable keyboard, and I only put symbols on the main keyboard if I use them.” Steve explains. “I’d never use an ampersand in my report.”

“Customizable keyboard?” Tony squints at it. “Huh, that’s. That’s kinda neat. QWERTY keyboards are on the out, but I didn’t know that Apple was offering options other than Dvorak or Colemark.”

“Yeah,” Steve says absently as he continues typing. “I usually use a modified version of Dvorak, it’s way faster than the alternative.”

“Stark Industries was the first company to include an alternate keyboard in the design for smartphones,” Tony tells him.

“Yeah, I know,” Steve nods. “But the keyboard app on the iPhone let’s me adjust the size of the keys so I can actually type on this tiny thing.”

Tony stares at him.

“It’s really cool,” Steve adds.

“I think I might hate you,” Tony says, squinting at him slightly.

\--

“Does your iPhone 7 have a 10.8 megapixel front-facing camera with adjustable controls?” Tony asks.

“Why would I need a camera on my phone?” Steve asks him.

Tony stares.

“Let me check.”

After he reads the specs for his phone’s camera application -- the future is so snazzy, who would have thought to combine a phone with a camera! Tony’s shoulders slump down and then he sends Steve a wounded look before slinking away again.

\--

“I upgraded the new Starkphone,” Tony says, while they’re all spending some quality time playing Cupcake Avalanche online.

Steve uses a bonus to unleash a horde of yellow-sprinkled cupcakes on his teammates.

“Hey!” Bruce says, squinting at his phone.

“Hah!” Clint says, having successfully eluded the torrent of cupcakes, and managing to achieve a bonus of his own.

“Now, there are over six hundred games included in the default operating system,” Tony adds.

Nobody replies, as Natasha has just jumped into the lead by eating most of the yellow-cupcakes and then kicking Clint back to the bottom of the hill.

“Including Scrabble!” Tony continues. “Everybody loves Scrabble!”

This is true; Scrabble is the only game they’ve ever played as a team that has gotten more violently competitive than Cupcake Avalanche.

Steve jumps over a cupcake-bomb and eats three more cupcakes, closing in on Natasha’s lead.

“You people suck,” Tony mutters, leaving the room.

\--

“What’s the battery life on that thing?” Tony asks, leaning over Steve’s shoulder to look at his phone.

Steve ignores him, completing his note to Ms. Potts and hitting ‘send’. “I don’t know,” he says.

Tony nods understandingly. “I think official specs released by Apple said it was around fourteen hours.”

“Sounds about right,” Steve says, nodding. It’s never died on him.

“Did you know the Starkphone’s average battery life is thirty-eight hours?” Tony asks him cheerfully. “Thanks to my advances in renewable energy sources, the customer appreciation surveys have said that most users only need to charge their phones two times a week.”

Steve smiles. “That’s great, Tony!”

Tony grins at him, looking proud. “It’s decades ahead of Apple,” he boasts.

“Sure is!” Steve agrees.

“I bet you wish you had a Starkphone, don’t you?” Tony asks.

“Why would I need a Starkphone?” Steve asks. “My phone is great.”

“But your battery only lasts fourteen hours,” Tony protests. “You have to charge it every single day! Think of all the time you’d save with a Starkphone!”

Steve blinks. “I charge my phone while I’m _sleeping_ , Tony.”

“Yeah, but--”

“Besides, I like the routine,” Steve interrupts Tony, because otherwise Tony is probably going to keep talking over him. “Plugging in my phone every night is how I remind myself to go to sleep. Otherwise, I’m likely to stay up for days at a time. Once I lose track of my sleep cycle, it’s easy for me to stop eating as well.”

Tony has stopped talking.

“Without adequate sleep or nutrition, I’m more likely to succumb to exhaustion mid-mission,” Steve continues, sounding like a medical text book. “Especially considering my enhanced metabolism. I use my routine to maintain my body at peak health, because I don’t actually _need_ to eat or sleep or drink water in order to function.”

“Oh,” Tony says, a furrow appearing between his eyebrows. “I didn’t know that.”

“Really?” Steve tilts his head. “I jog every morning. I cook breakfast for the team, every day. I go to SHIELD for training every weekday, and tourist attractions every weekend. I keep a very strict schedule in all areas of my life.”

“That’s. Actually pretty interesting, I didn’t realize that.” Tony says slowly. “That’s. Good. I guess.”

“Sure is,” Steve says. “Besides, I bet if I had a phone that didn’t require nightly charging, I’d forget to charge it when it _did need to be charged_.”

Tony scowls at that, but doesn’t argue.

\--

Steve is trying to fit his shield into his overly-full duffel bag when Tony walks into the helicarrier locker room. “Hey, Steve,” Tony says, opening his own locker.

Tony’s locker is actually a whole row of lockers, because he’s bribed several SHIELD operatives into giving him their space in exchange for Iron Man merchandise. Steve frowns at him. “Tony.”

“Did you hear about Hill?” Tony asks. He pulls a row of designer suits out and inspects the sleeves before shrugging off his current suit jacket, throwing it in the direction of a garbage can. The replacement jacket he chooses still has a tag on it.

“I don’t gossip, Tony,” Steve reminds him, reaching out and tugging on the tag. It snaps off, and he hands it to Tony without comment.

“It’s not gossip, its about her recent promotion!” Tony says, pretending offense. “She’s an extremely competent agent who has finally gotten some recognition for all her hard work. Now she’s the second-in-command to all of SHIELD. That’s not gossip, Steve. Gossip would be talking about her rumoured sexual relationship with Agent Coulson.”

“Tony,” Steve groans.

“Which is totally not a thing,” Tony quickly amends. “That was a hypothetical example, it’s actually not Coulson she's banging, it’s--”

“Please,” Steve interrupts before he can continue. “Stop. Please. Can’t you just try to sell me a Starkphone like you usually do?”

Tony stops talking, a strange expression on his face.

“Or talk smack about Apple products?” Steve suggests. “You love talking smack about Apple products!”

“Life hasn’t been the same since Steve Jobs passed away,” Tony snaps, looking hurt. “Innovation and design were exciting when he was around, there was some real competition.”

“Sorry?” Steve says, not sure what he’s apologising for. “It’s just that you’re always complaining about the--”

“I’m not complaining.” Tony says cooly. “And I do _not_ try to sell you Starkphones!”

Steve shrugs and finally gives up on putting his shield away. Maybe he can hook one of the straps through the handle on his duffel?

“Starkphones are better,” Tony says, after a minute of silence. “It’s just scientific fact.”

“Sure,” Steve says easily.

“The Starkphone has the longest battery life of any phone on the market, the most high-quality camera, the most free games, the largest internal memory, the only mobile spectrometer, and is made from the highest percentage of recyclable materials,” Tony says.

“The iPhone has plenty of battery life,” Steve counters. “Its camera has been hailed as the highest-quality equivalent to Starktech at a fraction of the price, there are hundreds of free game downloads available, more internal memory than I’d ever need, a customizable keyboard that lets me use larger keys, is made from 45% recycled materials -- plus, Apple is the only company that has openly campaigned for people to reuse or recycle their products as well as providing the facilities to the consumers.”

“Hey,” Tony says, sounding outraged. “Have you been researching this?”

“And,” Steve adds, triumphantly. “I still don’t need a spectrometer.”

“Yeah,” Tony retorts, narrowing his eyes at Steve. “Well, the fucking iPhone doesn’t have _Crime Deterrent_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in case you don't remember it, may I remind you of the [Sprint Crime Deterrent Commercial](http://youtu.be/G4O4f6FKYyc).
> 
> Yes, this entire chapter is a set-up for Steve nailed in the face with a cellphone. This entire story is about that.
> 
> Shut up, I'm totally a grown up.


	2. Chapter 2

“Crime Deterrent?” Steve can’t help but be intrigued. That sounds like a fantastic addition to the modern smartphone, especially considering how most people are likely leave home without their keys, wallet, or jacket, but nobody these days ever forgot their phone. “What’s that?”

Tony smiles, and holds his wallet up in the air between them. “I’ll show you.” he offers. “Go on, try and take my wallet.”

Steve looks down at it, reaches forward to swipe the wallet. He keeps Tony in his peripheral vision, in case he tries to catch him off-guard with some hand to hand, or pulls out a taser. (Steve has been tased exactly twice, and he hates it).

He doesn’t expect Tony to _throw his damned phone at him._

It slams into his temple like a bullet, knocking him off balance and sending him crashing down to the floor, wind knocked out of him.

“What the hell, Tony?” Steve yells, when he finally catches his breath, but when he looks up, there’s no one there. Tony’s locker doors are firmly shut, presumably locked.

Steve looks around, but he can’t even find Tony’s stupid, ridiculously heavy (that had really _hurt_ ), oversized goddamned phone.

\--

“I think,” Tony muses out loud, sitting on the couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table. “That Steve might be upset with me.”

Bruce, who is sitting next to him, looks pointedly at where Steve is ignoring Tony and scowling darkly at the wall i. “You don’t say,” he says.

“I think,” Tony continues. “That he is being a big, stupid baby.”

“Fuck you, Tony.” Steve snaps.

Bruce raises both his eyebrows and gives Tony a very pointed look. “Tony, what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything he didn’t deserve,” Tony says stiffly. They both know that's not true. Steve hardly ever swears, and when he does, its never the f-word.

“He’s an annoyingly self-righteous, arrogant, and callously abusive sonofabitch who owes me an apology,” Steve counters, speaking to Bruce.

There are a lot of things Bruce could do in this situation. He carefully considers all of the, before jabbing Tony in the side with his elbow and saying, “Tony, apologise.”

“No,” Tony says, crossing his arms stubbornly. “He deserved it.

“Tony, apologise.”

“No,”

“Tony.”

“ _No,_ ” Tony repeats.

“Say you are sorry.”

“But I’m not sorry,” Tony snaps.

“Well then, lie about it.” Bruce suggests.

Tony squints at him, then huffs a sigh of defeat. “Fine. Rogers, I’m totally sorry you’re a big crybaby and can’t take a joke.”

“That’s not even a good fake apology,” Bruce protests over Steve’s reply.

“Well then, I’m sorry I hit you in the face, but you fucking deserved it,” Tony says sullenly.

Steve scowls at him.

Bruce takes off his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “Tony, why did you hit him in the face?” he asks. He can practically feel the migraine starting.

“Because he totally had it coming?” Tony suggests.

“Fine,” Steve says, standing up, grabbing the book he had been studiously not reading for the past twenty minutes. “Whatever. I’ll be in the gym.” He stalks out, clearly annoyed.

Bruce looks at Tony. “Tony,” he begins.

“Did you know he still has a fucking iPhone?” Tony asks.

If he had said angrily, or in his usual tone of voice, Bruce might have let go -- but Tony sounds so very quietly sad, and Bruce has never heard him sound like that before. He sighs. This is going to take some work.

\--

“Hey, Cap? You busy?” Bruce asks as he sticks his head in the gym, where Steve is doing pull-ups. He’s already drenched in sweat, his expression stormy as he continues.

He’s not counting.

“What is it, Bruce,” Steve asks, panting a little bit. “I’m really not in a good mood.”

Bruce nods. “Yeah, about that.”

Steve drops to the ground, landing in a half-crouch. He stalks across the room, grabbing a towel and a water bottle from the bench before he waves at Bruce to continue.

“Tony,” Bruce says, not sure how to explain. “He’s... well. He’s never going to say this, but he’s really upset that you own an iPhone.”

“It’s a phone, Bruce.” Steve says, sounding tired. “It’s not important, and it’s not a good reason to be treating me like--”

“How many electronic devices do you own?” Bruce interrupts.

Steve shrugs. “I don’t know.” He uncaps the water bottle and takes a long drink.

“Because the thing is, Steve, we all use Starktech.” Bruce tells him. “All of us. We use starktech tablets and starktech communicators and starktech polymers instead of plastics. Stark Industries designed Hulk’s pants, your shield, your uniform, all of our weapons and body armour, SHIELD commissions huge amounts of products from Stark Industries, and--”

“I really don’t care,” Steve snaps.

Bruce sighs. “I am trying to tell you, Steve, that when we live in the man’s house, we use his things. When we’re on the helicarrier or in a SHIELD facility, we’re using his designs. He’s used to it.”

“So he has the right to get mad at me for having a phone?” Steve asks. “Because that doesn’t make sense, Bruce.”

“That’s not it,” Bruce says softly. “Steve, we use those things because we have to. Tony knows that. Why would any of us go out and buy a tablet if he leaves them lying around the tower? Why would we try and buy a communicator for missions when SHIELD provides Starktech for free?”

“Just tell me what you’re trying to say,” Steve says irritably, swiping the back of his neck with the towel. He drops the now-empty water bottle on the floor and grabs another.

“I’m saying that Tony is a childish, immature idiot,” Bruce explains. “And he’s upset because the only electronic device you’ve ever gone out and paid for, the only thing you don’t use because it’s there or because it’s convenient, the only thing you’ve ever chosen to use on your own from this century, is something he didn’t have any part in making.”

Steve stares at him silently, taking another swig of his water and nodding.

“He’s mad at you because he thinks you don’t trust him. He thinks you don’t trust his work. And the fact that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t ever convince you to switch over, has convinced him that none of his work, none of his efforts, will ever be good enough for you.” Bruce finishes quietly.

Steve groans. “God dammit, Bruce.”

“It’s not really about the phone,” Bruce adds, shrugging. “It’s never really been about the phone, Steve. No matter how hard he tries, he thinks you’re always going to like something else better than Starktech, because it’s older or has a better reputation, or came from a previous generation. He doesn’t know it, but the iPhone is a metaphor for his father, and he’s convinced you’ll never like him the way you liked Howard.”

Steve scowls at the ground.

“I just wanted you to understand why he’s being so stubborn,” Bruce says.

“You’re a terrible person, Dr. Banner,” Steve says, meaning exactly the opposite. He drops the towel on the ground and walks back to the bar, hoisting himself back up. “I’ll give it some thought.”

“Sure,” Bruce turns back towards the door, stopping halfway. “Um, if it’s okay with you, would you mind not--”

“--mention this to Tony? Sure thing, doc.” Steve grunts, beginning another grueling set of pull-ups.

“I just don’t want him to think I’ve betrayed his confidence,” Bruce explains.

“You got it,” Steve agrees.

\--

**Two Weeks Later:**

\--

Steve doesn’t make a big deal out of it, but he’s actually really touched when he goes to the store and finds out that there’s an optional add-on available in the free app store that allows Starkphone users to customize the layout and size of their touchscreen keyboards. It works like a charm, too, the lady at the sales desk shows him how easy it is to set up, and how he can save multiple alternate keyboards for quick access if he wants to.

If he didn’t know better, he might think it was made just for him.

Actually, a lot of the Starkphone add-ons are really cool, not that Steve thinks he’d use them. Well, he probably wouldn’t use them. Maybe the drawing app, or some of the games, but he really doesn’t need a night-vision or thermal scanning scope on his camera. Of course, now that he knows about it, it’d probably come in useful.

“Cool phone,” Clint says, looking over his shoulder. “What happened to the old one?”

The old one is sitting in Steve’s sock drawer, wrapped up in an old knitted pair he hardly ever wears and buried under several other pairs.

But Tony looks over at them, and he’s staring at Steve with wide, uncomprehending eyes, a sort of hopeful joy in his expression that Steve has never, ever seen before. “Is that the new Starkphone?” He asks, as if he isn’t sure he believes his own eyes.

“Yeah,” Steve says, looking down at the phone in his lap. They’d given him the last of the limited-edition Ironman cases with the glow-in-the-dark arc reactor logo. He’d been offered the new Captain America stars-and-stripes, but he’d begged them to find him an Iron Man one. “My iPhone got cooked in that last battle with Doom,” he lies. “But this one is really swell! Did you know that the Starkphone is made out of the most durable materials on the market? They said this one is Hulk-tested for durability!”

“Yeah,” Tony says, smiling softly.

“And this one has a gold-titanium alloy casing, reinforced with vibranium,” Steve brags. “There are only a hundred like it in the whole world.”

“That is so cool,” Clint breathes. “Does the little arc reactor light up? I heard that the special edition Iron Man phones are impossible to get ahold of.”

Tony ducks his head down, a flush spreading over his cheeks.

Seeing it, Steve feels slightly warm. He’s made the right decision.

Across the room, Bruce gives him a thumb’s up.

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely do not apologise for writing this.
> 
> Follow me on [Tumblr!](http://epiphanyx7.tumblr.com/) Or, if you need a dose of the fluffy and joyous things in world, try following my fluffy side blog: [Fluffpocalypse.](http://fluffpocalypse.tumblr.com/)


End file.
